Derek Harney

With great aplomb and to rapturous applause, from the party faithful at the PD annual get together, The Tanaiste and Minister for Health Mary Harney yesterday launched her latest initiative to tackle the nation’s healthcare crisis, although she didn’t actually use the word crisis, indeed she stressed that there was indeed no crisis in the delivery of health care in the country, merely as always is the case she added there is room for improvement. 

A beaming Tanaiste stated that her latest initiative would be a public private venture which with the stroke of a pen would solve any remaining health care delivery problems overnight, with no actual cost to the exchequer.  Indeed her proposals if properly and fully implemented she said would in fact leave the exchequer with a generous surplus, otherwise known as profit.

Outlining her plans Ms. Harney stated that she proposes to fastrack the building of a network of ultra-modern, fully automated, self-delivery health care centres, henceforth to be known as UMFASAS.  The building of these UMFASAS would be left to the private sector and naturally enough a generous tax break would be offered as an incentive. The Tanaiste however stressed that as she was ever mindful of the fact, that as tax breaks to date; in the area of building and development in particular, were seen by many as being as hogged by the few, the so called Golden Circle, which in reality didn’t exist, she was anxious at the outset here to stress that tax breaks for the UMFASAS would be available to all.   The Tanaiste said that she was more than aware that many would wish to invest their SSIAS in the UMFASAS, but alas for administrative and practical reasons however those wishing to participate in the scheme would have to commit resources or access leverage for a minimum of €2.5 million to participate in the scheme.  At first sight this might appear harsh to some, however the Tanaiste added that when one considers that many ordinary city folk fork routinely  fork out at least that sum million for  modest homes  a cut-off point of €2.5 million does not seem unreasonable.

Ms. Harney went on to say that hitherto her plans for reforming the nation’s healthcare delivery system had been hamstrung and hindered at every twist and turn by vested interests, in particular she singled out the nursing and medical professions for criticism.  The UMFASAS she stressed would not fall prey to these twin pillars of parasitism, for they would have no hand act or part in their operation.  The UMFASAS would be doctorless, nurseless and as far as possible para-medicalless.  The Tanaiste went on to give a brief outline of the mechanism of operation of the UMFASAS.  Every man woman and child in the country will be issued with a unique patient chip and pin card which they would key in at the point of entry.  An easy to follow symptom list will then appear on screen; everyone these days is computer friendly, and it is merely a simple matter for the patient to key in his or her complaints, the Tanaiste said. After a brief pause for analysis the software will then direct the patient to the next stage of the process. This might result in an advice being offered, a prescription being written or indeed the patient may be streamed for further investigations.  On site facilities will be available for X-Rays, CAT Scans, MRI Scans, ECG blood tests etc.  Arrangements have already been made to have the scans, ECGS and blood tests etc interpreted online in China, India and Sri Lanka at a fraction of the cost that it could be done for here.  There was one slight glitch however which to date has not quite been overcome and that is in the area of blood taking.  We did toy with the idea, the Tanaiste said of teaching patients to take their own blood, however on legal advice we have had to shelve this option, and on a holding basis only we have decided to put a limited number of phlebomists in place. These posts however will only be offered on a temporary basis until more sustainable arrangements can be made.   Whilst it is envisaged that the vast majority of units will be processed, treated and discharged as day cases,  more correctly hourly, half hourly or even in a  matter of minutes, nonetheless it is reasonable to assume that the more seriously ill or difficult cases will require overnight stay. To cater for this eventuality the UMFASAS will come complete with a limited number of beds.

It is not however thought that catering facilities as such will be required.  If the “full trolleys in casualty” scenario has thought us anything, the Tanaiste said it is that patients in hospital do not actually need full old syle hot meals. Tens of thousands of patients have done quite well in recent years for days on end on a diet of crisps, sandwiches and bottles of pop.  Learning from this situation we have decided to equip each UMFASA with a fine line of vending machines offering a broad range of all of the above. To satisfy the dietary needs of those patients confined to beds, or trolleys and unable to access the vending machines, the Tanaiste stated that her department had explored various options and after serious deliberations had decided to offer the franchise for same to Ryan Air.   An enthusiastic Mr. O Leary has assured the HSA that the UFASAS would be offered the same high quality fare currently as was currently available from Ryanair’s in-flight hospitality service.  In addition Mr O Leary stated he was keen to offer UMFASAS a wide range of onsite entertainment, scratch cards, gaming machines, pool tables etc.

Ms. Harney stressed that she expected the UMFASAS centres to function smoothly and seamlessly. They would be one stop shops she stated. She was bowled  over she said, something which even she conceded was well rather more than difficult,   by the support she had already received from the Pharmaceutical Society of Ireland whose members were lining up to take up franchises in the new centres. There was no doubt she added that there would be some patients who initially at least would be a little confused by the technology. The VHI however had been more than helpful and volunteered the services of their on line Nurse who would be available to give advice 24/7 to assist those in trouble.

For operational smoothness and efficiency it would be necessary to have an appointment system the Tanaiste said, this could be either accessed by text, telephone or online. The franchise for same has been offered to Ticketmaster.  Whilst attendance at UMFASAS per say would be free of charge, naturally enough booking, credit card and ancillary charges would of course apply. 

When contacted about the developments by Medicine Weekly, that well known expert on all matters medical Derek Davis gave the proposals a ringing endorsement.

It was high time he stated that Irish Medicine was taken out of the dark ages and he looked forwrd to experiencing these new developments first hand, though not quite yet. His only reservation was he said were on the subject of the catering facilities, but if needs must he felt sure he added that that his old friends over in Guillies would rustle up some tit bit for him and despatch it over by courier post haste.