Noddy

Flicking through the papers last weekend I was taken by a banner headline reading,

“Celebrity Taxi Driver Off The Road”.  The paper in question, The Toyland Telegraph went on to detail the events surrounding the imposition of a driving ban on the unfortunate mite who trades under the name of “Noddy”.   At a sitting of the Toyland District Court on Wednesday last, April 5th.  Mrs Justice Sheila Skittle threw out Noddy’s appeal against a driving disqualification which had been automatically triggered once his driving offences breached the magical twelve points level.  Giving evidence for the state, Garda

Phineas Plod painted a damning picture of Noddy’s offences, each of which he had personally witnessed. 1) Driving a vehicle on a motorway against the flow of traffic 2 points.  Noddy’s contention here was that as his vehicle was the only motorised vehicle on the road and the opposing traffic consisted solely of skateboarders, scooters, pedestrians and spinning tops, he was not breaking the law.  Mrs Justice Skittle dismissed this argument out of hand and furthermore on hearing that Noddy almost bowled over half a dozen skittleets, young weanling skittles on their maiden walk, she doubled his penalty points for this offence to four.  Garda Phineas Plod next went on to describe Noddy’s heinous crime of dangerous overtaking, an offence which merits 2 penalty points.  Noddy argued that he was only overtaking a stationary rocking horse and that the herd of wind up-elephants coming in the opposite direction were more of danger to him than he to they.  Alas his reasoning fell on deaf ears and an obviously unsympathetic Mrs Justice Sheila Skittle once again doubled the penalty points he had accrued for the offence to four points.  3) Garda Phineas Plod next went on to describe how he had seen Noddy drive on the hard shoulder of a motorway. Noddy in his own defence stressed that he ended up on the same hard shoulder only because he had been propelled into it by the steering disturbance he had endured having hit a deep pothole. Mrs Justice Sheila Skittle in reply said that if driving with due care, Noddy ought to have seen the pothole and taken evasive action.  In reply to which Noddy said, “That’s all right for you madam but you don’t have a nodding head to deal with,” and he went on to detail that it was whilst his head was in a state of full flexion and he unable to see anything but his belly button that he hit the pothole and subsequently ended up on the hard shoulder.  On a sabbatical from her hitherto unsympathetic demeanour Mrs Justice Sheila Skittle expressed sympathy with Noddy’s problems with titubation, but nonetheless ratified a further to penalty to add to his already growing collection.  Following a quick count on the fingers of both hands a salivating grin enveloped the countenance of Garda Phineas Plod, who it has long since been known was not, is not and never would be an admirer of Noddy.  Before Mrs Justice Sheila skittle could close the book on the case, having gone through all of the offences to date, Garda Plod blurted out, “One more thing your Honour should know.  “And what is that my good man?”  

“Noddy your Honour you know, he drives a cabriolet. “  “Yes.” 

‘And if the gaudy yellow and red colours of it aren’t enough of a distraction to fellow motorists, well then surely the constant ringing of the bell on his hat, caused by his incessant nodding must be. Surely your Honour we can get him here for failure to drive without reasonable consideration.”

“Garda Plod, I do believe that you are totally correct.”

“Mr. Noddy” she then said, “I’m afraid I have to award you a further 2 penalty points.

Which I do believe adds up to, what’s that a total of. Oh! dear me what’s that.  Oh! tut. tut,

Mr. Noddy that all adds up to 12 points.  Mr. Noddy you are off the road for six months. “

Noddy in vain pleaded for compassion and leniency. He again cited his problem with titubation, which led to him hitting the pothole. Her retort was that if his problem was that bad he shouldn't be driving in the first place. He then emphasised the fact that as he was the only taxi driver in Toyland his absence would be a great inconvenience for him certainly, but an even bigger inconvenience for Toyland itself. Finally; having stressed that in his entire life he not alone had never had a serious accident but never even as much as scratched a fender, he threw himself at the mercy of the court and pleaded for leniency. Alas his pleas fell on deaf ears, the die was cast, and no leniency was forthcoming. Noddy was well and truly off the road and Toylanders were deprived of their only mode of public transport.

When tackled in the Dail during week by Deputy Pat Rabbit TD, leader of the Labour on the subject of the dire plight of the people of Toyland being left high and with no means of public transport at their disposal consequent on Noddy’s driving disqualification, the Taoiseach Bertie Ahern in reply said, “that when people repeatedly flout the laws of the land the full rigours of the law must be imposed and Dat’s Dat.”  In reply Deputy Rabbit retorted that it was typical of the current administration to make a scape goat of a deprived neighbourhood.

“I ask you Taoiseach, I ask you right now and I expect an answer:  Would Blackrock, Foxrock, Ballsbridge, or anywhere else in D4 be left abandoned without any form of public transport whatsoever?  Answer me that now Tasoiseach.”

“Frankly Deputy Rabbit, I don’t know what you’re getting at.” the Taoiseach replied adding. “I can’t speak for the PDS, well at least I can’t speak for all of the PDS, but I can most certainly speak for Fianna Fail.  And Fianna Fail being the all-inclusive, all embracing party that it is greatly cherishes the rich diversity of the land we live in, in all its forms.  We in Fianna Fail value the Big Ears, Golliwogs, Skittles and Rocking Horses of this world every bit as much as we do the developer, stud farm owner or high flying lawyer.   I can assure you Deputy Rabbit and more importantly I can assure the people of Toyland, which Fianna Fail has not and will not forget Toyland or any other deprived or underdeveloped area of the country.  I want to put on record here and now that I have already been in touch with the RPA, (Railway Procurement Agency) and that I have assurances from them that they will fast track the extension of the Luas to Toyland, thus negating in one fell swoop their dependence on the Noddys of this world.   Finally I want to assure the residents of Toyland that I confidently expect their Luas line to be fully operational if not prior to the upcoming general election, well then certainly in its immediate aftermath.